Musing #1. Now. NOW what…
Isn’t it funny,.. so many cohesive communications line up, neatly and in perfect Flow, at the forefront of my mind – ready to explode onto the pages and into the collective unconscious of whomever Chooses to engage.
pick up a pen – nothing. your hands and mind cramp, reminding me of the (occasional) body wide Charlie horses i sometimes suffer from in the night. Turn on my color lit computer keyboard – typeface threatens to garble into unrecognizable characters and i just don’t know how to make everything make sense. Deciphering Sanskrit characters would come easier.
Oh, hey – let’s try recording thoughts. Great idea: if only I could make my muscles move out of my comfy office chair, to locate the little hand held recorder (yes I’m old school) and engage in capturing whatever word jumble that arises. I know where the damn thing is. I know it has batteries, and fresh ones. I know it has a fresh tape.
Maybe I should just strap the apparatus onto one of the cats: I certainly don’t have any issues yammering to them on a fairly regular basis; most of the time they answer back, and often give me steady support and (questionable) advice.
It occurs to me how “crippled” I am in my own mind – shackled, admonished, almost forbidden to even think of venturing forth into the outside world. my mind and my home are… safe. nurturing. protecting. Environmental + Epigenetic factors aside – it is my own internalized Doing.
Bricked, I’ve been calling it.
Externally? It seems all I can do lately is shake my head and cry. Even with my physical shell betraying me in nearly every way possible, impotent concerns lie with the bulk of humanity who – incredibly, thankfully, devastatingly – have things So Much Worse.
What can I do? My blind ass ban barely see to type at large magnification. I have the physical energy and stamina of a torpor laden sloth. The greatest kinetic energy possessed is the escaping of excess gas from my (literal) Hell bowels. No financial material stability, miniscule amounts of emotional intimacy, Faith and Hope vacillate between last gasps from an almost dried out well, to none at all.
SOMETHING has to give. I’ve felt like this for what seems like *forever.*
“Phoenix Event,” huh. This shit is for the birds.
Heh.
I wonder if this transparency will be the catalyst for my demise, physically speaking (childhood dreams filled with assasination attempts can warp a toddler’s mind). I wonder if here will come a time where I succumb to the (never far away) need to check out altogether: when this life becomes too inhospitable to slog through anymore.
It’s at these moments, when… words and melodies of comfort float into my conscious. A plaintive and solidly REAL song of support, bearing gifts of Truth and Love and Renewal. A song that says, “You Got This – You’ve ALWAYS Had This.”
Is it a blessing or a curse, that the words and melodies are – 99 percent of the time – my own?
Seed. Written 15 August 1998. Minor lyric adjustments reflect audio recording.**
Do you feel you belong
When you're on the fringes
Do you blame yourself for things
When surrounded by pretenders
And are we destined to share
The fulfillment of our fate and desires
Is our bond forever
And do we still have time
To get our shit together
My body aches an emotion
And in these motions I feel vibrant again...
* - - The music man, he's in again
A flurry, a spin - and the moment begins
The magic hits its cadence
Petals curve under this sound
And it begins from the end
With a force of a thousand men
So I ache and now I'm free -
And it helps me to remember
Yes it helps me to remember it all - -*
We (I guess) were chosen for this mess
To try and bless the rest
Is this what it means to be
On the outside looking in
At yourself, at the scene, at the world -
We may never play it safe, my beloveds
A sense of new life and wonder
Springs not from seed but from flower
And the passions we posses are for all
At the end of it all - to share...
*- - - -*
Supposing alien ain't so bad
I can't be sad or grey (or blue purple too)
Find myself reluctant to leave
Because I really like the view
The Glamour washes through me
In above below me over and over
My body aches emotion - and in emotions I Feel...
*- - - -*
It begins from the end
With the force of a thousand men
So I ache and now I'm free
And it helps me to remember
Yes You helped me
and I'll remember it all
(** When I locate it, I'll upload it - or will re-record. As if I didn't have enough to foster nascent anxiety. Eeek.)
If you were expecting this space to be all sunshine and roses – hooo, buddy. I would apologize, but to do so would invalidate the overall vision of this Space: to bring virtual representations of my Home, my Tribe, myself and my headspace to the world.
I shall endeavor to keep it as BrightSpirited as I possibly can, as often as I can…
Because, at the end of such thought tangents, when the music floats into reconnected spaces? It actually DOES feel better, knowing a little bit more has been shared. One step closer to those Memories of Meaning; so long it was they happened, they have yet still to occur.
I hope that somehow – you feel a little bit better as well.
